Thoughts, and Unorthodox Hearts I

Thoughts and Unorthodox Hearts I

You have outdone yourself again

virile, tempering with whichever organs you can

as if you've grasped my twisted veins, my anatomy

as if you think you got a hold of me

tugging at my shoulders and pulling on my hours

defending your own ego, soliciting your powers

rising out the crack i made form

subject of illusion- embedded in the deception you deem a norm

graduating from the things i taught you

proving i was right though false, and all you wanted came true

falling from your eyes into your hands  and shaking them to their virtue

some wicked benevolence that would become our point of view

there’s nothing left to figure out, no more colours left to paint you

like a beast you’re eating at the hearts

that beat in the shadow of your soul

and drinking down the souls who make pilgrimages in your name-

burns your incense and coal

the aftermath of your love bursts into hellish flames

sweet adjectives die as i try to describe you by those names

language itself has escaped from your cavity of speech

hanging from your disorder, on the periphery of repentance border, with saints outta reach

the last sermon in the word you hold dear is yours to preach

of your lacerations, guilt, and how you were defiled and misguided

growing into who you had turned out to be in the world you say they conspired

you said your ex burst like a firework the minute you walked away

some intended story of loss that would make me stay

and i sat in the fold of your shadow, head against your arm till night became day

oblivious to the curses flying like winged blood cells through your core

if only it were possible that each heart had its own door

i’d never make it known that i stood behind my own, eyes to the scarlet floor

awaiting some promise, expecting something better than i know

willing to go wherever the music and the beautiful things go

falling into your unorthodox dispositions

laying in the wait of your prolonged decisions

regretting harder than a god who created a devil about his people

chewing the ashes of, and tasting the bitterness of literal evil

i’ve misled myself by this, spreadeagled at the foot of some steep hill

with tomorrow at the top, today at the centre, and yesterday on the ground

in a cube of silence, deaf to my own words, only my breaths and heartbeats make a sound

i can hear how nervous i am, i can hear the sound of nothing

breaking against the silence like if a spectre ever had to sing

i glance toward my sides and see the world you’ve left me in

and think of the things i had dreamed of, the placed i wished i had seen

and you were my binoculous not my guide

walking within your step, not right by your side

taking in the world through your eyes

as if when we merged we metamorphosed to smaller floating skies

looking down upon all the things that mean little to what we wan’t

though as the moon emerges behind a lone cloud of grey

i feel my weight dwindle down and my wings have gone away

and i fall but you still hang in the clouds with a smirk about your facade

aghast by your unorthodox eyes and heart, hitting the ground twice as hard

with nothing left to console myself by

no answer in the book, to the question why

and some unorthodox history, by which to remember you and i

 ©Raeez Jacobs. Poetry, 2013.