Get Out of my Head

I've been intending, to find myself in the process of putting together a little post, about the many misconceptions that people come to believe while they are in relationships- especially very serious ones. When you’re with someone, and the two of you have been together for what seemed like forever, it’s very likely that you had formed a bond with that person, and maybe just maybe, you began to revel in their presence. Subsequently, you begin to experience anxieties, about what this person’s absence would imply, should they ever take to disappearing, dying, or worse...leaving you. It feels empty when you even just do so much as try to envision the distance between yourself and the person you’re so besotted with, or fond of rather.

We experience similar anxieties when we are still infantile, and taken from the grip of our parents; people were wholly accustomed to be around, and whose presence we’re most comfortable in. By human condition- we are disposed to prefer being where we are most comfortable, and if it so happens that you are relationship is this zone, then you are obviously going to bare the brunt of a horrible breakup, should one occur.

But we don’t learn how to be ourselves, and we forget who we are, and where we come from when we give ourselves so entirely to relationships. We compromise on everything, and make decisions around other people’s preferences- in most cases, just to accommodate them and prevent any quarrels brewing in the romantic decanter. We lie, to keep things cool and we act apathetic towards things we are amenable to die for. All these characteristics are what influence how easily or painstakingly we will face heartbreak and separation. We need to deal with our own lives after it does happen though, instead of mourn something that has ended...like seriously, it’s not death, and you really don’t need to do the black attire thing, because it’s 2013, and you might just get called a Free Mason, instead of being looked at as a grieving girl whose heart had been ripped from her chest. Return to what your life had been before your relationship started, get back into doing the things you loved doing before, go out with friends and talk about anything other than how lame guys are. You know deep down that they’re not lame, and you’re sudden hate is just all part of the little ego game. It ended for both, not just you, and it’s not only horrible for you. It happens to most people, crazy enough to try something like commitment, when they’re not even ready to do so. Avoid telling yourself that the person has a hold on you too, because honestly, that makes no sense at all; no one has a hold on you but yourself. You’re indirectly telling yourself, that you’re marionette under the control of your boyfriend and girlfriend. Just accept that a chapter of your life, badly written has just ended, and that you’re now equipped with an editor and proofreader; ready to rectify what had made you weak and vulnerable last time around, so that you can be clear-headed, prepared, thoughtful, insightful, wise, and motivated by the right reasons for the next chapter you’re about to scribe.

[Poem] If We Had It

We heard the sounds call out
they came from the night
-screams, scratches, shrills
and ghost-like whisper winds

we were growing impatient
our hearts yawned like sighs
and died down like flames
in the morning

      after the rain

we chewed our fingers
like cherry rosaries
it was never our intention
the angst lived on
they put up with the pretension-
the rise of incessant deception

and we were scared
for a while            at least
on the backs of our phobias
in the heart of our minds
losing it
losing enough of it

to know

we didn't have it all

©RaeezJacobs. 2013. Poetry

Poem: Between Hearts

Your heart and Mine

between your heart and mine,

there is a space of,

bewilderment and wonder

there are questions,

becoming edgy,

between your heart and mine

there is no other disagreement,

but our own fear, brewing

between, your heart and mine

time flows, as it should flow,

and feelings go,

where feelings usually go,

between your heart and mine

now-

the stars don’t shine, the torches never glow,

yet, there was once a spark

between your heart and mine

lit up, like an amusement park

an arm away

from an embrace,

an hour away

from your gate,

your world is an open

book,

my world, is

your story

and there, are no errors,

between your heart and mine

tensions are nascent,

between your heart and mine,

and neandethal feelings

are discarded,

but beautiful things remain,

while compliments fill

the balloons floating,

from your heart, to mine,

so they burst from airs and graces

there is a

silenced secret,

and suppressed

emotion, twirling

in the space, between your heart and mine

there are words, questions,

curiosities, lights waiting to glow,

answers, desires,

and events, between your heart and mine

there are things to

anticipate, dream-of,

and decipher, between our hearts;

there are unspoken languages,

contrived laws, and a collision,

of red hot feelings- crashing into each other,

like two planets merging-

worlds diverging, between

our aching hearts,

and

gravity flows, eternally

through the vents

of my heart,

into yours,

so both our hearts,

are calmed, void o’ fury,

and unintimidated by

the love jury,

and both our hearts,

are carried by,

the force of nature

we never show it,

though it is live;

there are performances,

on the stages, in the

spotlight,

between your heart and mine,

hence, we become so broadway that,

no thick line

can cross out, the way we feel;

turning through the Hollywood wheel,

we’ve got fame out our feet,

and take to the arts, for theraphy;

beneath a creavity canopy

there is a silenced,

longstanding, robust,

and an unblemished aura

circling and flappin’

through the rings and clouds,

in the ambience

between your heart and mine

there is a whole

other world, no man alive

could build, with his

bare hands or heavy tools;

constructed in, the urban setting,

between your heart and mine

I know I’ll be fine,

and you will be too

because each and every one,

of your heartbeats,

reassure and console me;

every second of your life, adds

another mintute to mine...

implying that, there is one ending

between your heart and mine,

therefore, we will perish, identically,

then together in the underworld, we will

continue to be

as only you could

see, what everyone

else was blind to;

my breaking points-

moral hypotheses; experiments,

to see what would happen,

should i witness you fade,

becoming so paranoid

that,

for days,i swam through my horoscope,

as if there were chemicals,

on the page,

that could cease, whatever

the stars perceived as trauma,

or as if i could dive, straight into hope,

desperately trying to make time

become less fractious, and

praying, for emotional traffic, to flow

freely in the passages between

your heart and mine

as if the soul of the sign,

and the astrologer’s orotund prediction,

would make it less malice,

and more milignant

operative upon

our own train ride,

with nothing to hide,

in our hearts; goin’ round the track,

‘til we came back, with our

Heads, pregnant, heavily, with

ideas, and things to say

and it was then, the tunnel

was formed,

between your heart and mine

so that you could, walk-in

on my lies, and see them, before

they were even formed,

so that i could sleep, in the hazel

duvet ,of your eyes, covered by

your lashes, soft as feather

you knew how i ascended, and

descended, like

interrupted surprises or ecstasy,

when you were too scarce

for me, to dial your number,

and sit still, with your voice

caressing the inside of my ear-

you altered by the seams,

and we graduated from an era;

an age of unseen,

enchanting, and different

ways, or diverse shades,

of the same day,

making all the difference;

testing me, and tempting me,

to submit my body, and soul-

clinging to a celestial pole

but,

strength differed now;

the cavity in which it bred,

had it purling- stirring,

all the miseries, under the bed,

power wanted to

mimic the head,

and slice through, what should

not have been said, while all the heart did,

was try, not to make, the eyes see-

that it was sadly,

bucking away, against a

few dislocated ribs,

in the lampshade

shaped chamber

because, it was too

afraid of the conscious,

bereft-of-thorough-thought, kind of mental state,

we adopted, when we were suffocated by fate;

casting out meaningless anger, and hate,

while meandering, shyly,

between your heart and mine

we depended upon,

abusing each other,

and once, i was still holding on,

and trapped

in your shadow, when you

turned to go;

abandoning me- leavin’ me

to hang there, raped by

rough, autumn air,

in the orgy of wind, smaking

me, from side to side,

‘til i erased that

thick line, separating,

your heart from mine

and decreased

the distance,

between your our hearts,

because there could be no

gaps or cracks,

between your heart and mine

                                                                   -Raeez Jacobs

©RaeezJacobs.2012.Poetry 

It's In His Risk

Maybe I am different- the way I react or counteract is an anomaly; nothing I say or do, is said nor done, in a similar fashion to other's around me. Bear in mind that this does not make me special, nor unique; surely there are a million other people out there, possessing the exact same traits as I. Perhaps the world is built in such a way, so as to leave room for differences; to entertain and allow for people to react and/ or counteract situations, differently- depending mostly on their will and their approach.
Why have you not broken yet? Well, no matter how many times someone is hurt- inwardly that is- it's never suggestive of any wounds or lacerations; we're not talking about accidents and falls, since if it were that physical, we'd never be heartbroken, because our medicine cabinets would be stocked up with Anti-heartbreak medications and all their different generics...you name it. I'm not broken, for I understand my "annihilation" merely as a metaphor, and never use that metaphor in my real life, because no matter how "broken" I am; if there's some other momentous task at hand [apart from mending my achy heart], I know for sure that I am going to do it.

And also I know that heartbreak is ephemeral; it can be easily overcome, though its ferocity should not be underestimated, and one should never add heartbreak to any bucket list. Heartbreaks are mundane as far as I'm concerned, yet, as is the case with death, one can not just simply become accustomed to the effects, since loss feels stronger every time, even if it's the millionth time. The point is not to view heartbreak literally, because, I personally believe that, such thoughts allow us to make wanton assumptions about our strengths and our weaknesses; the traits embedded within our psyches, yet when we make these assumption...the way we aver our destruction, suggests, partly that we have just broken down everything we have and own, because of the collapse of one thing.

Yes sure, admittedly, the heart is a vital organ...but then; what does the beating heart- prone to many more precarious injury, have to do with love? Yes, you're right...it's a merely a symbol- used, overused, cemented and explicitly meant to give love more power, prestige and vitality, by simply equating its life-cycle and existence, as well as preservation, with the heart, because apart from the brain, it's the most vital organ or system in the human body. Though ludicrous, there are those inclined to believe that they can love with all their heart, feel with it and experience; "a slow rush of warmth over it, and so I know its's heartbreak," as one girl said to me, once upon a time. Obviously I too say such things, but I acknowledge that it is not from within my heart, love emanates. Love is greater than any organ in our prone-to-disease bodies, and it is anything but physical; love is only given life, face, and then voice, once it starts to get swayed by a couple, etc.

Therefore, I am not broken yet, and I never plan to break, by the claws of heartbreak, since I know that, offerings always come, and should I assert myself as one who hurls good into the universe; my offerings could only get bigger with time. Love is within us all; even the ruthless and barbaric, garner and then radiate some "form" of love, though they may not understand it in that way. The problem comes when, as human beings, we completely impose all of these rules and cursors into love's wake; unsettling it, and so it can no longer survive- leaving it to melt or rot away while the 'heart' [person] is left fretting for letting a good thing go.

I've been hurt, however, I think that defiled, in the face of some other attackers, would be a more apt adjective, in regard to the magnitude of, or impact from the hurt I've felt before. Each time I pray the world swallows me whole; pray that the pain goes away, and wish that I could walk away and not feel a thing. Love is the bullet before which, even the hardest of hearts surrender, for there's no greater loss then the loss of love. And losing love has nothing to do with your boyfriend or girlfriend; it's actually about the disappearance of all those heart-warming feelings which make up the profile of love. Any other person could come around and give you all those things, and the only reason we say stupid things like; "only he can..." is because we are built on familiarity- trained to except, gravitate toward, and walk along paths we are familiar with. We're filled with unwarranted fear of the unknown, and spend our whole lives searching for some carbon copy of a former glory, when realistically speaking; each heartbreak signifies the end of a contract, and the upgrade thereof is due, and while the activity at hand may not entirely be, upgrading, part of it is learning. Learning where your loyalties lie, learning how to decipher the eyes of deceit- knowing not to welcome anything close enough, if it has initially made you feel uncomfortable. It's about trusting your choices, and finding the light within yourself, to guide you toward the places you're meant to be, without losing sight of where you come from, what you believe in, and what you feel in your heart...

So I'm going to love again, even by some unfamiliar hand. I'm not going look for love in his beauty or in his hair; I'll be there, waiting for the day I finally wish that he would never leave my side (eternity thus signifying the deathless flight of love).

"With love, you should go ahead and risk the feeling of getting hurt; because love is an amazing feeling."        - Britney Spears

[POEM] Skylark Under the Moon

Ocean face, back

To the ground,

Toes curled to the afternoon sun

Like a protest placard

With your soul, and dainty hands

In your pocket of fluke,

Dukedom lives in your

Sun-smooched hair,

Your life is anarchy;

No doleful-bringing amends

Or capital lettered postcards

From peculiar corners,

Sun berry eyes in the twinkle

Of nights first ever known star;

Your gaze sets all of velvety,

And regal manufactured paradise, ablaze.

You’re folk art, writhing- the folk dance,

Prancing about as a Lady cat

With your crowned tail haloed

By the gyre of the firefly beetles

Wheedled by bliss to skylark,

In the honey-coated moonlight,

Laughing as a tickled serpent,

With your clouds of ripened joy,

Becoming the home in which you will stay.

© Raeez Jacobs. 2012. All Rights Reserved.

Take your gender, and go!

I just came across this really cool picture, on this feminism site and man do I dig it!
I definitely agree with the fact that, as a modern world, we have not really allowed ourselves to adequately adapt to various social, technological and other changes. This is evident within most cultures around the world, predominant religious groups, and society as a whole. There's no space in which someone could really, affirmatively celebrate their pride, and live the hedonistic lives they so desire. But that's beside the point; the point here is this; despite every move towards liberation, and the break-away from oppression, and injustice, people, because they live in such comfortable zones (their own lives), they are entitled to their own opinions, and so a creed highlighting equality means nothing to someone who doesn't choose to live that kind of life, or someone who has chosen to remain with their beliefs, and thoughts, no matter how primitive.

Every point insinuated here is coming from a completely non-universal sense; the points are completely subjective, meaning that they're my own beliefs, and thoughts. I affirm that I have no intention of forcing my beliefs down other people's throats, and in no way do I believe that I am right, although to some extent, because my points are subjective, and formed from my own beliefs, there is a level of truth, at least to me.
The problem arises when this truth is universalized, and forced into the codes, languages, cultures, societies, and the minds of individuals who entertain different thoughts.

While I remain steadfast in my plea for gender equality, and the annihilation of homophobia completely, I also maintain that getting away with homophobia, and inequalities between genders can, and will only happen, if and only if the roles are not reserved. I have encountered many people in my life, and each of them have expressed various, and oftentimes, different opinions towards homosexuality, homophobia, and sexuality as a whole. What I am really trying to say is, I don't believe that we can fight homophobia by hating straight people, and some of the laws against it. Defeating homophobia is about changing the mindsets of those who are at a lack of understanding about the dynamics thereof, and also those who live by the myths. The other way is to ensure that we respect the boundaries before, and around us; being defiant by demonstrating homosexual acts in a place where it is banned, for example, only exacerbates the situation, and reinforces the conceptions carried by the believers of the idea that homosexuality is a sin, or disease.

It's about respect, and finding the comfort in your own world, with those whom matter to you, and within an environment you can flourish. It's not always about the bigger world out there, and the opinions of people who have never even seen your face, nor know that you exist; mostly it's about you, as I said, and I choose to celebrate diversity, pride, and equality, and then everything else you believe in as a person. Of course at times your life will be affected by the 'world out there', and for many, it's even affected by what should be a 'comfort zone.'

Sexuality must be one of the most intricate, if not the most intricate thing to dissect, explain, and critique. Due to this factor, it makes it increasingly arduous for some people to imbibe with codes of gender the way other people do. Consideration is key, and being liberal creates your own sort of 'liberal city' where everything is accepted, so it's somewhat momentous that, as liberal as you are, you never make the mistake of forming any kind of prejudice.

I believe that traits such as prejudice, denial, and hate are all cultivated at home, and are often the result of influence; whether from religion or parents. While you cannot change the situation around you, you can strive to lead a completely different life, contrary to the life you commonly know and abhor, when you are granted the free will, and the chance to do so.

I for one don't agree that women should be confined to their homes, unless they've chosen to do so, out of their own free will. I don't believe that the "fear, rejection of, and shunning of homosexuality" should be greeted with acts of violence, especially by the hands of the people, like the government whose purpose is to serve, and protect. I don't believe that religion should be the loudest voice in the room when homosexuality is brought up, because of all the accounts of homosexuality, and even homophobia that I've come across, religion offers the weakest accounts thereof, and honestly, makes illogical claims that are to be treated with certain methods of reaction, and retaliation. Not so long ago I watched a video on YouTube in which a Muslim sheikh was interviewed about the 'epidemic', - the epidemic being homosexuality. He was very rash, and obviously a fervent follower of the Shar'iah law, and this was all confirmed when he proceeded to add that death as punishment for homosexuals, and homosexual acts, is too weak. In other words he was insinuating that had there existed a more gruesome, and bloodcurdling method of extinction, and punishment, that should be used on homosexuals, and those engage in such acts.

It breaks me to hear people refer it to as 'a way of life', a deviation to make a statement, 'a lifestyle', and it especially infuriates me when people refer to it as a choice. The best indication that 'the choice theory' is invalid comes to life when you ask straight people if they recalling receiving a choice, sometime ago, as to whether or not they really wanted to be straight. If the choice theory is valid, then it implies that only homosexual individuals were given the choice, and by some power, all chose the same thing. From a personal point of view, much as I am proud of who I am, happy to be who I am, and quite intrigued by being gay, I don't think I would have chosen to be gay, had I been granted the opportunity to choose my desired sexuality, especially if I knew what it would entail.

There's no shame in being gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc, and it's important to tell yourself this, so that you are not swallowed by guilt, and denial. There was a time, shortly after I had become sexuality active with guys, when these feelings of intense guilt, denial, and hatred on myself would pass over me after having sex, and it really ate me. I tried to discard my emotions, but knew that I could no longer deny them, because they were omnipresent, and had found a way to emerge from the debris of my previous denial. I knew I had to accept, and love myself regardless of who I loved, and who I loved going to bed with. It's almost like trying to get citizenship of a country; you just have to wait until you are naturalized, and by all means, there are no shortcuts- in other words, allow yourself to become comfortable with it without applying any pressure on yourself.

If you're homosexual, and smiling at some of the things I've said, or if you are straight and support gay rights, then you will agree with me that, no matter how much resistance ebbs from oppressors, they can never change the way you feel, and neither can they change your sexuality, because it's impermeable. And also, learn to take society with one, not two hands, because you can never be too involved; too involved is when you start becoming the recipient of oppression. And no, I am not saying become a recluse, I am saying that you should be who you are, without purposely making statements that will exacerbate the very issue your statement is meant to eradicate.

Take it easy, and let your mother work if she wants to
relax and let your baby brother
play with a doll
and your sister a fire engine,
breathe,
take it easy, and don't allow
any maschismo to tell you
that there's a 'way' to be a man
and that that way
is found at the end of vagina avenue,
tell him softly,
that you just love
taking the dirt road-
the short cut
up the avenue you love the most

Thanks